


In Which Fred Kills Ron

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-08-14
Updated: 2006-08-14
Packaged: 2019-01-19 11:33:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12409542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: What happens when a quidditch game is brought to a halt due to the appearance of Snape? Why does he dress up as a Gryffindor and carry make-up kits? And what's this about dead bodies in the girls dormitories? Randomness, Stupidity, Hippies Circles, and Fruit Flies ahead. R&R





	In Which Fred Kills Ron

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

**Disclaimer:** Not Mine.

**In Which Fred Kills Ron**

    One rainy day, all the Gryffindors were sitting in their tower and complaing about Professor McGonagall postponing the Quidditch match against Slytherin. The whole school had been sent to their respective common rooms due to the fact that a death eater was on the school grounds. This death eater was Snape, who had arrived at the quidditch pitch, minutes before the game, exclaiming that he forgot to take his makeup kit with him when he was fleeing with the death eaters on the evening Dumbledore was killed. 

    "You can't expect me to actually go a day without it. What would people say when I go out in public with this big nose? I mean foundation really does do wonders to your skin AND it makes your nose look smaller. Anyone want some? I have extras, and I am willling to share but only for a limited time," he had said while covering his nose, and sounding like a cross between someone being drowned and a house elf. 

    Some girls (Eloise Midgeon among them) actually offered Snape money to get one of thier own, but the teachers had all sent the Stunning spell at Snape who froze, but not before his hand fell off his nose. His nose really was big. It was so big that poor professor Flitwick died at the sight of it. But he was soon forgotten as McGonagall ordered them all to their common rooms. 

So here they were, some angry, some horrified at the sight of Snape's nose without the usual makeup, which apparently made it look smaller. “That’s it!" Harry yelled picking up Dean Thomas and throwing him at the wall, to control his anger, "are we really gonna let some good for nothing death eater ruin our game?" 

"I think we already did," random Gryffindor # 1 said, he was about to continue but was stopped as Harry got angry again, and with the help of Ron, threw him out the open window. His screams could be heard till he hit the bottom, but everyone was too angry to notice. 

"We were about to win too," Ron said, frowning. 

"Yeah," Harry said, "I bet you Malfoy owled Snape and told him to come here and stop the game, so Slytherin would be saved." 

"Harry, I don’t think Malfoy cares about a quidditch game when he has Voldemort to worry about, besides he isn’t at Hog...," she was interrupted by Ron, who threw a glass vase at her because she said Voldemort's name, but missed and hit Lavender who started crying extremely loud. 

Ignoring Lavender, Ginny said, "Don’t try to understand quidditch Hermoine, you will never understand its importance," all the while glaring at Hermoine. 

"But do you think Snape would come here, endangering his life just because of a game?" Hermoine bellowed. 

"Whose gonna kill him?" random Gryffindor # 2 snorted, "Harry? As iffff..." He soon joined random Gryffindor # 1 at the bottom of the tower. 

"Hey, lets all make a Hippie Circle," exclaimed Katie Bell. 

"Yeah, and then we can say a good thing about the person to our right, and live happily ever after," Harry said, his voice dripping with sarcasm. 

Katie however missed the sarcasm in his voice, because she exclaimed, jumping up and down, clapping her hands, "Sure! Come on everyone, lets start." 

Surprisingly, almost everyone in the tower joined the circle, except Harry, who said, "I'd die before joining that circle," and sulked off and sat in front of the fireplace. 

After 15 other Gryffindor were thrown out the window, all the Gryffindors (except Harry of course) managed to sit in a gigantic circle. "Ok,” Katie said, "Lets start with you Seamus." 

Seamus who happened to sit beside Hermoine looked at her, apparently at a loss of words. "Errr, um, ahhh. I guess your teeth don’t look as bad as before. I mean you looked like a beaver before you shrunk them," he said, smiling sheepishly, apparently thinking he had said something which would make Hermoine proud. 

On the contrary, Hermoine got mad, tried to punch his nose, missed and hit his mouth, which ended up breaking all his teeth, and he fell down and his teeth went down his throat. It ended up choking him, and he died, and was thrown out the window to avoid fruit flies gathering in the tower. 

It was now Hermoine's turn. She turned to her other side, and saw Ron. She smiled, and was about to say something, but was interrupted yet again by someone coming in through the portrait hole. Annoyed she looked their and saw... a very ugly looking person with slits for nostrils, thats if they were a person. "That’s ugly," she said turning away. 

"Hermoine, you idiot! Thats Voldemort!" Harry yelled jumping up. Being the only person in the room who had seen Voldemort and lived to tell the tale, everyone believed him and panicked moving to the side farthest away from Voldemort. 

Ron, however, was terrified and started running in little circles, with his arms in the air, screaming. Harry had to hold him down with great difficulty. Once he had though, Ron decided to run at the wall, to check if he was dreaming, missed and ran at the window, which was the same window many others were thrown out of, so therefore was open. Unlike the others thrown out, Ron’s screams could not be heard. Hermoine seeing this yelled, "NOOOO!" and ran after him, and fell out as well. 

Seeing this Parvati screamed for joy, ran up the stairs to her dormitory. She came back after five minutes with about 20 enormous books. She threw them down after Hermoine. "Finally," she said, "After her books are gone I finally have space to bury all the dead bodies." 

"WHAT?" yelled several random Gryffindors. 

"Hey people, we have bigger problems then some so-called murderer who wears ugly ornamental butterflies in her hair," random Gryffindor # 3 said, "I mean Voldemort is in the house!" he was unable to say anything else, seeing as Parvati had taken great offense, and added him to her pile of unburied dead bodies. 

The rest were oblivious to this, because they once again realized Voldemort was there. However, Voldemort was scratching his head, and saying, "Gee, I wonder what mum will say when she finds out my little brother and Hermoine died because of me." 

"YOUR BROTHER? RONS YOUR BROTHER?" Harry yelled, "YOU MEAN ALL THIS TIME I WAS BEST MATES WITH THE ENEMIES BROTHER?" 

Harry looked ready to kill, so Voldemort said, "No, No, you guys got it all wrong. I'm not Voldemort, I'm Fred. This is a mask, see." While doing so he pulled off his mask, and revealed himself to indeed be Fred. 

Seeing this Harry yelled, "YOU KILLED MY BEST MATE! DIE! AVADA KEDAVRA!" and Fred was no more. He too was thrown out, to avoid fruit flies. 

Meanwhile, outside the common room, a tall man, with grotesque facial features walked up to the fat lady, in great distress and said, "Open up!" 

"Welcome to Gryffindor tower," the fat lady said, " Population: 385 until an hour where sadly a few of us departed for the after life due to an open window and several emotionally challenged teens." She opened to let the man inside. 

Once the man was inside, a nearby portrait yelled, "You Idiot! That was Voldemort you let in!" 

"Oh really? How should I know what he looks like?" and she started screaming like a banshee. 

Inside the common room, everyone froze as they saw the real Voldemort, who screamed, "Whats this I hear about Potter dying? I was supposed to kill him!" 

"You slimy git," random Gryffindor # 4 yelled, and pulled off his mask to reveal a large nosed Snape. 

Several people gasped, but Snape ignore them and said to Voldemort, “I said a 'Hairy Nutter' died, not 'Harry Potter'!" 

"Who is a 'Hairy Nutter' then if it isnt Potter?" Voldemort demanded. 

"The Weasley kid, you good for nothing evil villain wanna be, trying to ...," after this Snape couldn't continue, because an enraged Voldemort threw him out the window. 

"Where is Potter then if he aint dead?" Voldemort demanded, looking scary. Many Gryffindors were terrified and ran around, and ended up bumping into each other, which caused several of them (Ginny among them) to fall out the open window. 

After this horrifying experience, Harry yelled, "Everyone close to me is dead, and I'm about to be killed by Voldemort! Due to the fact that my wand accidentally fell in the fire, I cannot fight. So I shall die a dignified death!" And he jumped out the window, to die, what according to him was a "dignified" death, but others might call it suicide.

"NOOO! POTTER WASNT KILLED BY ME!" Voldemort yelled, and started bawling his eyes out. After this little crying session was over, he too jumped out the window, but killed six people before plunging to his death. Later, the Daily Prophet confirmed this was because he thought seven was a lucky number and he had only killed 20042 people, and that wasn’t a product of 7, so he killed six more people to make it 20048, which indeed was a factor of 7. 

As Voldemort fell among the many bodies, he was happy to not be alone in his last moments, but when the bodies realized that the slimiest Slytherin of all times was among them, they all turned into ghosts, and ran around screaming, and ended up hiding in Moaning Myrtle's S-Bend. 

Voldemort was saddened by this and he too turned into a ghost, and buried himself in the middle of the quiddtich pitch, in hopes of killing some poor kid flying during a game to awaken himself from the dead. 

Meanwhile inside the Gryffindor tower, a random Gryffindor, desperate for attention, said, "So now that Potter is gone, can I give myself a scar and be the next Famous One?" 

                                                             Fin. 


End file.
